It was Squash the Squash Biscuit Day in Giantland, and Wilfred the Giant was jumping up and down and rattling loose great boulders down the mountainside, so excited was he to begin the squash squashing festivities.
You see, it all began 600 and 50 million years ago, when Giants first discovered giant squashes in Giantland. At the time, they had previously only rumplefarts to eat, and these were, as you can imagine, quite stinky and problematic for the indigestion-prone Giants. As a result Giantland was filled with a whole bunch of out of sorts, rotten-egg-smelling Giants, whose constant desire to be as dainty and graceful as their northern neighbors, the Rumplestiltskins, was continually thwarted by lack of access to a varied and nutrient-dense diet. (Side note: it seems the Rumplestiltskins were actually responsible for supplying their southern neighbors with rumplefarts as part of a devious ploy to keep the Giants physically and psychologically weak – but that’s a story for another time.)
So, to continue our backstory, on that fateful day 600 and 50 millions year ago, Joe the Jolly Giant went on an exploration quest to faraway Gourdland, and came back carrying eight packs filled with forty different squashes and tubers, from which different seed varieties were carefully harvested and cultivated for generations upon giant generations. He was hailed a hero and to this day Giantland celebrates Jolly Joe Day six times a month.
But today wasn’t Jolly Joe day, it was Squash the Squash Biscuit Day! (Which I already said, pay attention please eh-herm.) And as a young giant of 600 and 50 thousand years, Wilfred was super psyched to celebrate his first. He thumped down to the squash squashing fields, where hundreds of young giants were already at work squashing squashes. Jumping into the fray, Wilfred found a still-unsquashed field of squashes and got to work, hopping up and down with such force that the ground rattled for miles.
“Great work!” shouted Jody, the squash squashing Giant overseer, who was marshaling the day’s activities. After squashing about 600 and 50 hundred squashes, Wilfred moved over to Giantland’s kitchens, where thousands upon thousands of pounds of squashed squash were being pounded into thousands upon thousands of pounds of biscuit dough. He watched in awe as Giantland’s master bakers and chefs squashed the squash dough into perfectly light biscuit shapes, which were loaded up on giant baking trays and slid into enormous stone ovens.
“Wilfred!” cried Jody. Wilfred tumbled to Jody’s side, and she handed him the first batch of giant squash biscuits, steaming hot and smelling pleasantly nutty. “After you eat these, be a doll and squash 600 thousand more squashes okay?” Grinning from ear to ear, Wilfred gulped down the hot, delicious biscuits, and galloped back to the squashing fields to squash some more squashes.
- 2 cups cooked kabocha squash (or pumpkin, butternut squash, etc.)
- 1 cup cassava flour
- ½ cup water chestnut flour
- ½ cup plantain flour
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 2 tb nutritional yeast (optional)
- 1 tsp turmeric (optional)
- 2-3 tsp sea salt
- ¾ cup of coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil, or mix of both
- 1 tb apple cider vinegar
- 3 tb fresh rosemary (optional)
- Mix ingredients together using a pastry cutter or fork, adding the ACV at the end (final mixture should adhere and not be crumbly but also not sticky).
- Roll out and cut biscuit shapes (or just shape free form) onto parchment-lined baking tray.
- Bake at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30-35 minutes or until biscuits are browned, and firm in the middle.
- Sprinkle with rosemary and enjoy!