Unbeknownst to many, the Brussel sprout is not, actually, a sprout, but rather is a variety of the “Urk” tree, originating in the rotating cloud isles of Papadapum. Papadapum, that mysterious sky colony of miniature states, exists somewhere in the nethersphere above, that’s right, the Netherlands. The Netherlands of course is the No. 1 global producer of the so-called ‘brussel sprout’ – an unsurprising fact given that the city of Brussels is where most Urk trees, logged by the inhabitants of Papadapum, tend to fall.
The inhabitants of Papadapum are an enterprising bunch. A species of miniature lumberjack (miniature to us, but larger by a factor of ten than their nearest neighbors, the Snickerdoodlers) – the Urkites, as they’re known, make their living off the felling of Urk trees, and the collection of sulfurous gases produced by human Urk cooking and subsequent flatulence. These pungent byproducts are distilled from the atmosphere through ingenious devices developed by industrious Urkite engineers, and power the colony’s sparkling isle lights. (For those of you who haven’t yet visited, Papadapum somewhat resembles a series of floating, decorated Christmas logs.)
A few decades ago, the Urkites noticed a great upsurge in sulfurous gas, due to higher human consumption of the humble Urk. Urk distilleries went into overdrive, producing so much gas that Papadapum was able to conclude a bilateral treaty with neighboring Doldruminicks, exchanging gas for a lifelong supply of snickerdoodles. Gas production continued to boom, and the Urkites set up similar treaties with another five isles.
It was only in this past year that President Urken took a good look at the state of Papadapum. She was shocked by the desolate landscape of bare stumps stretching as far as the eye could see, and called a meeting with her top advisors.
“Urkites! We have lost sight of our role as Urk guardians in our quest for energy and Snickerdoodle dominance. If we continue logging Urks at the current rate, we will have no seedlings left to renew our forests. Please fix this problem.”
The advisors looked at each other and shrugged. Ten minutes later, they had developed a method for renewing Urk growth in half the time.
“Good,” said the President. “But we need to reduce human demand until we can reach total sustainability.”
The advisors nodded and set out infiltrating human media with a propaganda campaign that 1) impugned the innocent Urks (or Brussel sprouts, as the translation went) as the nastiest of vegetables and 2) recommended the cooking method henceforth known as ‘boiling the heck out of ’em.’ This propaganda was very effective and persisted until the day when the enterprising Urkites rejuvenated their Urk nurseries and developed 100% sustainable production methods. The subsequent 180 on Brussel sprouts in human circles can be attributed solely to the reversal of Urkite policy and the flooding of human food blogs and foodie circles with recipes such as the below, celebrating the Urk’s majestic true nature.
- 2 pounds brussel sprouts
- 3 tb olive oil
- 1 tsp sea salt
- 1 pound of purple grapes
- Coconut Yogurt Dressing
- 1 cup coconut cream (chilled part of can of coconut milk)
- 1 tsp lemon/lime juice or apple cider vinegar
- ½ tsp sea salt
- handful (4 tbs) chopped mint
- Fig Jam (if you're feeling lazy, just chop up the figs and throw them in the dish whole)
- 12 dried figs
- 1 c water
- 1 tb apple cider vinegar or lemon juice
- ¼ tsp salt
- toasted walnuts (optional, omit for AIP)
- Preheat oven to 490 degrees Fahrenheit. Wash, trim ends, and slice brussel sprouts in half. Dry well and coat with olive oil and salt. Roast for around 15 minutes, flipping sprouts halfway (keep an eye on them to make sure they don't get overdone.)
- While sprouts are roasting, bring 1 c water to boil on stove. Stem and chop figs into quarters. Add to water with salt + acid. Cook for 10-15 minutes, until figs are soft. Blend or food process to make jam.
- Mix ingredients for coconut mint yogurt.
- Wash and slice grapes in half.
- When sprouts are done, toss them in a bowl with grapes and a couple tablespoons of olive oil. Plate, drizzling fig jam and coconut yogurt cross-wise on top. Finish with toasted walnuts (omit for AIP).
This post has been shared on Phoenix Helix’s Paleo-AIP Roundtable.