Herbert woke up one morning and stretched his arms above his head only to discover that his arms were tiny sticks and his body was in fact the corpuscular shell of a giant, repulsive beetle.
“Oh, gross,” he said, his voice all crackly from the compression of his vocal chords and inner self-loathing. He had never liked bugs, much less anything resembling a roach, his least favorite insect after bedbugs and mosquitoes. But there was little he could do about it.
“Herbert!” called his mom from downstairs. “Are you still in bed? Come on, you’ll miss the bus!”
Herbert grumbled to himself and began to pull on his pants. They went up easily over his spindly legs but wouldn’t fit over the wide base of his body. He gave up, deciding that his shell provided sufficiently modest coverage.
“We’re leaving!” yelled his mom. The front door slammed. Herbert unlocked his door and peered into the hallway. There was no sign of his sister or parents. Quickly he tottered out into the hallway and slid down the banister to the ground floor. The kitchen was empty, but his mom had left out a box of cereal and some toast.
“Hmm,” said Herbert. Normally he ate quite healthy but as a bug none of the usual breakfast foods appealed to him. He began to ransack the upper cupboards, looking for treats. His acute sense of smell led him to the dining room, where a pile of crumbly brownies lay on a platter, baked by his sister the night before. They were for her choir rehearsal that evening, and she had specifically instructed human Herbert to stay well away. But bug Herbert…well bug Herbert couldn’t be held responsible for his nibbling tendencies.
Herbert shoveled a crumb into his mouth using his feelers. “Mmm. Her best yet. Chocolate-y, crumbly, yet moist.” He began to scoop all the loose crumbs into his mouth, knocking more loose in the process, until the edges of the brownies were ragged, and the dessert began to disappear from the outside in. In no time at all, he was sucking up the last crumbs on the platter through his feelers.
Herbert looked around guiltily. Ethel would not be happy. He brought the platter outside and filled it with loose dirt in rough brownie shapes. While doing so, the scent of fresh soil and air arrested him. He had never experienced the outdoors in such a visceral way. Maybe the life of a bug wouldn’t be so bad, he thought to himself. He went back to the kitchen, packed himself some sandwiches, chips, cookies, and ice cream, and set out to see the world.
- 1.5 cups almond meal/flour
- ¾ cup tapioca flour
- 1 tsp baking soda
- 1 cup dark chocolate chips (I like this brand) or about 6 ounces of bar chocolate
- 2 tb coconut oil
- ¼ - ½ cup coconut sugar (depending on sweetness level of dark chocolate/according to taste)
- pinch of sea salt
- 1 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 tb apple cider vinegar
- Melt the chocolate in a double boiler or microwave.
- Add in all of the other ingredients except for the ACV.
- Mix well, add ACV, pour into a greased or parchment-lined 8x8 baking tray.
- Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for around 20-25 mins, or until an inserted chopstick comes out clean.
- Cover carefully so as to avoid consumption by any giant, human-sized bugs.